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- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

The Insecure 'ATTACHMENT' label does not describe accurately, what is really in the can with this label on it! It is exactly the opposite. It typically is set up in the early childhood development years. Often, they are experiences which you can't readily or easily access; but your brain remembers them well and put an identification label/marker on each of them, as and when they occurred.

You cannot necessarily find or access them or the details about them. The brain does it's job well and blots them out from you finding them, so that you do not have a nervous breakdown.

They have been put in boxes. Nailed down and labels attached saying "DO NOT OPEN. We do not lift the lid off these boxes. They contain uncomfortable stuff. They are stored in this area of the brain, to help you get through life without them (too frequently) causing disruption".

They are filed in certain parts of your brain, which are not easily accessible without the right password, situation and environment. They can be prematurely triggered out in situations like watching a Netflix movie. (We need to be balanced in our advertising of Netflix and so add.... Amazon Prime, BBC player, Apple TV, a box set etc!).

EMDR beckons folks. Out of sight is not out of mind - entirely.

Let the Kairos Centre come alongside you to reclaim your quality of living life - without shame - bringing colour back to life.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

There are three ways in which we try to get our Core Emotional Needs met. Meeting Core emotional needs is not negotiable. They want to be met and kept filled up at high levels.

The reality, however, is that life takes a toll upon us and Core Emotional Needs deplete over time. What are some of those Core Emotional Needs: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others.

When we have been functioning on low depleted levels for some time (where they are not being replenished regularly enough by certain persons, people and situations) - they wane. Leakage causes depletion.

We seek to top them up by reacting - through Fight/Flight/Freeze. Each of us use different ones at different times, but there is one of those that we use more often than the other.

Which one do you use more often? It is not always the obvious one that you first thought!

Fight: is often more Passive Aggressive, than the very much more visible overt behaviour. Passive Aggression is mostly unseen, yet is a very potent weapon that is welded by many and do not recognise or see the potency of that weapon.

Fight is mostly not about leaving the toilet seat up for the hundredth time or the top off the tooth paste. Fight is often driven by depleted Core Emotional needs, but not visible or owned by the person.

Flight: My definition is - "We move ourself away from the place where we perceive that our Core Emotional Needs are not being met and instead, put ourself in a different place where we perceive that our Core Emotional Needs are more likely to be met". That might be a physical moving or an emotional leaving/absence.

Flight is problematic because of the dangers of fleeing into the arms of someone else who appears to be meeting depleted Core Emotional Needs - which feels like love and affection - but really is not. It is just compensating (temporarily) for a depleted emotional void.

Freeze: I call "the stiff British upper lip - through the trenches - we just get on".
Freeze does not look like what is on the label. It is not inactivity. It is more about just ignoring own Needs and just trying to get on with life; but....

Freeze (getting on with life) - does not stay frozen permanently! Every now and then, there will be a Fight for a short period, then revert back to Freeze for the longer time; otherwise, Flight for a short period, then revert back to Freeze for the longer time.

Might the reaction being seen; the behaviour being done - arising from depleted Core Emotional Needs? An attempt to meet depleted Core Emotional Needs.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Episode Keywords: Sex Addiction | Porn Addiction | Love Addiction | Root Causes | Brain Impact | Self-Soothing Behaviors | Family Conflict | Emotional Neglect | Performance Pressure | Separation | Divorce | Fear | Anxiety | Stress | Pain | Dissociation| Recovery Program | EMDR Therapy | Emotional Event | Trauma Healing | Neuroplasticity | Online Therapy | Sex Addiction Recovery Program | Compulsive Behaviors | Intimacy Issues | Sexual Dysfunction | Obsessive Thoughts | Guilt | Infidelity | Objectification | Hypersexualization | Pornography Industry | Love Addiction Patterns | Attachment Styles | Sexual Compulsivity | Behavioral Therapy | Relapse Prevention | Emotional Regulation | Healing Journeys | Intim

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Narcissism and Empathy (like same poles of a magnet) cannot co-exist together in the same space. They repel each other. Likewise, they cannot co-exist in the same person at equally high levels.

Either they will have a high level of Narcissistic traits and a low level of Empathy or vice versa. Work on Empathy and you will see Narcissistic traits recede over time. Remember, there can be no quick fixes in this work with The Kairos Centre; but change - you can expect and will see.

There is a big difference between Sympathy and Empathy. Something about taking off your shoes and stepping into the shoes - into the world of another - to get their vantage point into their world. Those with higher Narcissistic traits at work, will shriek - "Why on earth would I want to do that".

That says it all!. Absolutely! Why would you? Why indeed?

Because that is what Empathy looks like; but is abhorrent to Narcissism. Get it?

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The world's first Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme. Discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Don't go looking up the term on Google and it spewing out a whole heap of stuff that blinds you and gets your back up! I am not suggesting Sex/Porn/Love Addicts are a Narcissists - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - is one of the most difficult mental Health diagnosis to treat. It requires a particularly skilled diagnosis.

What I am saying is that they will have, and be manifesting 'traits' which come from Narcissism. What are those traits?

Traits include being the centre of attention; little interest in others; craves recognition and praise. They are performers and want others to keep on clapping and not stop; controls and dominates interaction with others; has to be right; cannot admit to ever being wrong and never apologises; insists on things being done their way; always makes the choices and decisions. Reliance on another is not acknowledged.

In short - me, me, me; myself, myself, myself, I, I, I & I. The spotlight of the stage play (of life) is always and must always remain on them. (But they don't, can't, won't see it).

A large portion of The Kairos Centre clients do not recognise those traits as a part of their behaviour or personality. Internally, they may be remonstrating and ticked off at the very fact of being put in this category.

A gentle conversation generally causes a lowering of the dagger, enough for the logical brain to find the traits, even though they may look very different to those above. They begin to see the subtleties of how they keep the spotlight on them.

You know my cliche by now: What you cannot see, you have no hope of changing; after all, it is me, being me; doing life how I do life; what's the problem? There is no problem if you cannot see a problem; yet you know there is a problem; because life ain't working how you want it to work.

So - get some help to see what you cannot see - from The Kairos Centre. When you can see it (by having moved stuff from the unconscious into the conscious - into the visible) - now you get a chance to go after the stuff and try to effect change.

....but no quick fixes. You cannot effect change 'Immediately'; but you can begin - make a start - with help.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The world's first Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme. Discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION. Too simplistic? Maybe, but it is a good place to start, if you want to better understand the reason for the activities - as an outlet for Shame & Narcissism.

Try hard to come out from under the umbrella of covering that Shame provides - but is unseen. It covers the Addict and a partner. It keeps them hidden and in hiding. yet, the antidote to shame is to come out of hiding. But it is vital that the 'coming out of hiding' is into the right forum and/or individuals.

The wrong forum or individuals, will cause or contribute to an adverse and unhelpful increase in Shame - which causes individuals to quickly scurry back into hiding and not come back out for a very long time.

Shame is a conundrum for some cultures - such as Asians - because Shame arises when the individual in that community has not lived up to the community's rules and expectations. Asian (and those with a similar culture) prides itself on collectivist, interdependence, social harmony and group cohesion. The "we" is paramount.

It does function to build group harmony and unity; but can also be an intolerable burden, tied to fear of rejection, exposure, ostracising and loss of both family and cultural community support; where Asians put a high value on the harmonious integration of group members. The fear is that one's inadequacies (exposed) will result in loss of union within the group or expulsion from the group.

Such cultures experience Shame of one's actions in the broader context of 'individuality' and 'collectively/(the broader community group). Upholding the concept of 'cultural honour' is of paramount importance. Therefore a learned response is to suppress emotions and personal inadequacies and problems. Sex addicts are locked into silence.

Shame loves that and will thrive - rubbing its metaphorical hands - with glee and delight.

Let The Kairos Centre show you where and how to come out of hiding and thereby break the back of Shame. Something also about 'Compassion'.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Shame is set up in childhood. Life is unfair. Yep.

The presence of shame is a particularly powerful driver for sexual addiction. Shame means “to hide” and is a hidden companion of Narcissism.

SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION

Shame is the painful feeling of being unacceptable. It is a feeling of being inferior. It is “a wound made from the inside by an unseen hand”. There is something about “Attachment” issues and what happened as a child with the main caregiver.

It comes from a core belief about self and a feeling (which is not necessarily true at all – but is believed and acted upon). Shame disrupts the natural functioning of the self. Shame emerges out of addiction. Shame causes addiction and compulsivity. It says: “I am not measuring up”.

There is a diminished self-concept; a lowering of one’s self worth. There is a difference between Guilt & Shame. Guilt says: “I made a mistake”. Shame says: “I am not measuring up; not good enough; not accepting of self; I am a mistake”.

Someone once said that shame is to sex addiction what oxygen is to fire. Shame is perhaps the most damaging consequence of sex addiction as it robs people of the power to seek the support and love of others that they so desperately need.

Shame can drive people further into their self-destructive behaviours as they increasingly feel this is all they deserve. Shame isolates and drives the behaviour deeper and deeper into secrecy. The antidote, is to come out of hiding - with some help - into the 'right' arena.

Do the SHIELDS Exercise with The Kairos Centre, to make SHAME visible and touchable.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Scapegoating can go on for only so long. Then a need to accept responsibility for adult choices.

The Kairos Centre do an extensive History Taking to build a profile understanding of the adult, impacted by childhood development issues. The feedback hypothesis can cause your brain (which initially, is not your best friend during the early stages of attempts at recovery) to blame others for what happened to you back there in the past. (We do not all have a level playing field during childhood development).

But, you became an adult. As an adult, we have choices (despite the uneven playing field). As Forest Gump says: "[Stuff] happens". He said it stronger than that!

After all - you did enjoy the lushness of the rewards of the acting out behaviours. So it is therefore, there is also a need to accept the adverse consequences.

Start to make healthier choices. To do so, you have to change the trajectory on which you are navigating through life. You cannot change that which you cannot see. There is no problem, if you cannot see the problem. Get help to see the problem - so you can become the best version of you.

"A bit of a harsh one today Gary!"
"Yes, I know. This one is 'tough love' stuff. But you know I am cheering you on - don't you - wearing my ra-ra skirt"!

“It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged. The only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it....” — (Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll).

Let The Kairos Centre teach you how to do so.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

He “caused” our problems and yet once again the focus and everyone’s attention is on him. The family income is being used by him again for his benefit, on top of the spend he has already enjoyed on his addiction. It’s just not fair. I am left here with his stuff and don’t know where to go or turn for help for me. That just is not right and is not fair. I feel so.....

This is an understandable reframe don’t you think? But there is help for partners of sex addicts.

What could the programme look like for a Partner?

• Teaching and discussion on the following:

• Definition of sex addiction and Love addiction

• Common understandable error patterns which partners fall into and battles you will lose

• The role of the addiction

• Preparing an Impact Statement

• Partners absolute “No No’s”

• What can we learn about “Adult/Parent/Child” ego state interactions

• Family of Origin, contributors and what set up the addiction

• You are not alone

• Effect on the stars - Hollywood, Professionals, the good and the great, across the board - all are susceptible

• Evolution of the sexual template and map

• Cycle of addiction

• Boundaries

• Full disclosure of “secrets”

• Polygraph or not to Polygraph

• How much should I ask about his past behaviours?

• Trust, money, healthy sexuality

• Self responsibility & self care

• Own support groups/ Friendship (including the not so wise choices)

• Attachment, Shame, Narcissism, Co-dependency

• Grief cycle

• Questions women ask; hope, fears and reservations

• Disclosure: family and the children

• Legality issues

• Restoring the relationship or leaving the relationship

• What can you take home from the Stage play “Accidentally Brave” : "In this unflinchingly honest one-woman play, Maddie tells an inspiring true story about discovering a new normal when everything she thought she knew came undone….. is an inspiring true story about discovering a new normal when the familiar world falls apart, a must-see examination of what it means to navigate a world with no certainty.

• Recommended reading

Let The Kairos Centre accompany you - as a Partner that is impacted.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

If you are in a partnered relationship, re-build integrity with yourself by signing a 'Couples Recovery Plan'. Recovery - in a partnered relationship - is about the partnership, not only about your recovery at all.

Your signature on the 'Couples Recovery Plan' can bolster your commitment to be faithful to your word/your signature - to use 'best endeavours' to achieve the outcomes in the Couples Recovery Plan. It can get you a long way into your sobriety in the early start-up.

Get one. Sign it. Commit to it. Begin.

Your priority motivation must be a right one. If your priority motivation is a wrong one, then you will soon flounder, even though you started out well intended and it was all a very laudable attempt.

Saving the couple relationship is not a good enough reason. You will flounder and not achieve sobriety for very long. "Rather Harsh Gary?" "Yes, I know!"

Doing the right "Preparation" work (in the Stages of Change Cycle), is vital to your success. Prepare your mind with the right motives.

Let The Kairos Centre teach you how to do so.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

The ability to quickly recognize fearful situations and other emotional signals, may be critical to survival, as it enables us to detect potential threats. The amygdala is believed to play a central role in these processes.

The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped structure deep in the brain, located on the medial surface of the temporal lobe, which processes both positive and negative emotions. Brain scanning studies show that the amygdala is activated in response to fear, even when it is not real. There is a caveman/cavewoman instinct still activated in modern society, even when the danger is not from a Saber-tooth tiger, but an appraisal, an exam, presentation or something innocuous.

The trigger may come from watching a movies; from a text message; from anxiety, stress, loneliness, anticipatory fear. They may not be real; but feel real to you.

The brain's response may cause the amygdala to inappropriately fire and move you into a fight/flight/freeze response; which for you, may take the form of Dissociation, panic, self-harming, attack, conflict or a multitude of responses. The Autonomic Nervous System has kicked in. If you cannot sleep and still await at 2am in the morning, try reading about it - called The Polyvagal Theory. (I can send you some info if you want to request them).

The front lobe (Prefrontal Cortex) - the rational thinking part of the brain - responds to the cue from the Amygdala and goes off-line, as a survival activation. ("But it isn't a real survival/life or death situation brain"!). "We don't believe you" - says the brain. "We are just doing our job".

The Emotional part of the brain - The Limbic System - takes over and starts making some major bridge burning decisions, without consultation. ("I feel, so I do". Not "I feel so I think").

Use the "Special Place/Calm Plan/Relaxed Place/My Place Exercise" to keep or bring the Rational thinking part of the brain back online and cause Dissociation to recede. Let The Kairos Centre teach you how to do so.

Give a little to my fund raising page here, to help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Get the help you need: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

The Kairos Centre created one of the world's first comprehensive Online Webinar Sex, Porn, Love Addiction video-on-demand Recovery Programme; discover the real, authentic you. email info@kairos-centre.com

Now launched: A Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access here - https://www.kairos-centre.com/changement-on-demand/

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The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Now Playing:

Available Episodes 10

'Insecure Attachment' = Detachment, Rejection, Loss, Let go of - to Sex/Porn/Love Addicts

Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is used to meet depleted Core Emotional Needs

The antidote to Narcissism for Sex Addicts, is Empathy

Narcissistic - who? Not me! - just because of sex Addiction!

SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION

"SHAME on you" - are particularly triggering, toxic & impactful words to Sex Addicts

Scapegoating can go on for only so long - folks with Sex Addiction!

Don't forget the partner - in the Sex Addiction Recovery Journey

It isn't all about me - this thing of Sex Addiction Recovery

Give back control brain: Then I won't need porn

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The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

Now Playing:

Available Episodes 10

'Insecure Attachment' = Detachment, Rejection, Loss, Let go of - to Sex/Porn/Love Addicts

Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is used to meet depleted Core Emotional Needs

The antidote to Narcissism for Sex Addicts, is Empathy

Narcissistic - who? Not me! - just because of sex Addiction!

SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION

"SHAME on you" - are particularly triggering, toxic & impactful words to Sex Addicts

Scapegoating can go on for only so long - folks with Sex Addiction!

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